hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
