Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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