Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
