I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
