I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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