you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
