i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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