I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
