just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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