I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
