Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He felt like a one man threesome
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
