is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
