Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
