he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
