I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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