How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
