The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
