at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
