Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You can't motorboat a personality
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
