oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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