Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
