Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
