they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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