I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
