i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
