i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
