I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
