textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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