He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's get the cat blown out
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
