Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
