Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
