I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
