my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
