im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
