Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
