she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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