My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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