I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
