hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
