Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
