In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
