I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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