My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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