I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
