Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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