So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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