My first STD was from a foam party
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
