what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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