I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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