I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
