all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
