Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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