Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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