Pants 0. Shit 1.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
